Dear Lord, why did you make food smell so good? Today is not a good day. I hate being hungry. Today is a day where I eat my "special food" and watch my family, no, SMELL my family eat their meals. Leftover lasagna (wheat noodles, cheese and milk sauce), oatmeal with milk and brown sugar, fresh wheat bread, and tonight, order-in pizza. In my 'past life,' I didn't even like the order-in pizza, but tonight, in my mind, I did. It's not something I'm proud of, feeling sorry for myself, but it's easy to fall into when I'm hungry and haven't left the house all day.
As I talk to you now Lord, I hear the Islamic call to prayer outside. Not only does it remind me, as it often does, that as millions of Muslims head to prayer, You are waiting for me to take time to talk to You. It also reminds me that so many of those millions who are praying to their god of Islam, do so with hungry stomachs. As with me, theirs is not a choice. I did not choose to have a special diet, but I have choices within that diet. Many have no choice but to eat what is available to them, and that can go as far as having to eat what someone else has thrown away. In that light, forgive me Lord for not taking care of myself, for not being one step ahead and having food prepared for when I do get hungry--and you know that when I get hungry making food decisions is a frustrating event--and mostly, for feeling sorry for myself that I have to plan my days a little more than the regular person, needing to organize my meals around nutritious grains, veggies, and meat. Help me to not be so selfish in a land where the food stored in my home alone could feed a family of 4 for probably 3 weeks.
Thank you Lord that this disease was diagnosed while I live here in Indonesia. I hope that as I struggle, as I know I will, I'll be able to slowly change my perspective from 'I hate baking with mixed flours!' to 'thank you for providing me with variety"...
Thank you for life, for what You have in store for me, and thank you for being patient with me.
Amen.
Kim,
ReplyDeleteIt was a blessing to read your blog today. I'm so glad you are writing out this stuff! Even though we live close to each other I don't think I would understand as much about what you are thinking without you writing this blog.
Thank you for being so open and honest about how are you feeling. I love how you are thanking God even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Thank you for your example! Susan